-Things to Note While Wondering How Much Worse We'd Be at Baseball with Half as Many Arms...

-The Reign of Joe the Materrible was short-lived as he was defeated in his first captaincy defense by John B and his premature hitulators. Long live the reign of Occupier-of-the-Throneta! 

-Let's not bury the lede here: Jake Gold is a god amongst men (and bitches, as the case may be). Despite having but one arm, Jake dominated at the plate and--first inning aside--on the mound as well. Unfortunately, John B picked a bunch of heartless motherfuckers and Premature Hitulation roughed up Jake to the tune of thirteen (13) runs, nine (9) of which came in the top of the first inning.

-"The first inning was fucking ridiculous." -Mark 

-Ok, let's all the Jake-related notes out of the way: 

-This game featured the first one-armed hitter, the first one-armed pitcher, and the first one-armed left-fielder to play with us (Jake, duh).

-Prior to the game, Jake was throwing BP and several people hit comebackers to the mound and up the middle. Each time, Cruzer would say to the hitter, "Dick move." This phrase came in handy later when, in the bottom of the 4th, Cruzer fielded a comebacker from Mark and--instead of lobbing it to first for the out--proceeded to jog to first base and flashed Mark a troll-face smile. Those who weren't saying "Ohhhhhh" responded by saying "Ahahahaha...what a dick."

-Commenting on Don't Count the First's right-fielder, MF Doom stated that "[H]e has no arm." Cruzer responded by saying "neither does their pitcher". Jesus Christ, Cruzer. This is why we can't have nice things.

-Just to be clear, a team of 9 Jake Golds would fuck us up like 84 to 5. Between his mound work from the 2nd to the 6th and a 3-for-4 day at the plate, With a runner on first in the 8th inning, Chris Coleman hit a single to left that was fielded by Jake. He charged, flipped the ball into the air, switched his glove to his right, caught the ball and fired into the infield--all in one motion--to keep the runner from taking an extra base. Those who weren't saying "Oh what the fuck?!" responded by saying "Holy shit!"

-Materrorist and Cap'n-eta drafted teams prior to the arrival of almost everyone. Materrorist chose Jake, having never met him or hearing that A) he has one arm and; B) he played American Legion baseball up until the age of 20--making him a Cyborg(tm). DON'T DRAFT UNTIL MOST PEOPLE ARE ALREADY AT THE FIELD!! 

-We had a brainstorming thread to come up with a team name for The Materrorist. They included: 1st Inning Doesn't Count; 127 Hours of Awesome; Def Jam Lepperd; Half-Arm Half-Amazing; Dick Move; Limb Bizkit; Fuck Fundamentals, We Catch Fly Balls w/ One Hand; One Arm Wonder and Pre-op Cyborg. There were others, they're listed later.

-Cruzer pitched another complete game but, this time, with ZERO (0!) walks. According to the Wilson Stats Bureau ("Open For Business...Whenever We Fucking Feel Like It"), this is the first zero-walk complete game in the 11+ year history of us playing together.

-There were other "firsts" in this game: first female to use the woods as a restroom (ballsy!); first game for Mike Abrams, Sarah and Sportsviteer Chris Coleman; and, due to an acute case of Plakas Deficiency, there were no gameplay-stopping arguments. 

-Sarah was phenomenal. She went 2-for-4 with a run and an rbi, came back from the woods bathroom alive, subbed in defensively for a dude more often than she subbed out AND scoffed at Mark's hitting advice (he went 1-for-4 with a strikeout). That chick bad.

-Mr. October aka TYK aka Arvin aka Mr. 4Chan has gained a new nickname: Mr. Midol. In an Academy Award-worthy performance, Alvin hit a fly ball to right field and, after a couple steps out of the batter's box, collapsed as though a Tonya Harding-hired goon had clubbed him in the leg with a tire iron. Nevertheless, Alvin valiantly hobbled to first barely beating out the throw from the outfield. Just kidding, he was totally out but he was allowed to remain at first under the little known "Broken Leg on the Basepaths = Free Base" Rule. In a Shyamalan-like twist, however, it was revealed that Alvin did NOT suffer a broken leg. Instead, he suffered a...cramp. His second of the day, apparently. And to top it off, Alvin immediately raced first-to-home, without any issue whatsoever, on the next batter's (Sergio) triple. Touche, Mr. Midol, touche.

-Other team names: Cramps'R'Us; I Was Infected By Her Business in the Woods.

-After the play at first, Mike jogged in from left and stated that, from his vantage point, Alvin was CLEARLY out and by at least TWO STEPS. In response, Brian smiled and shook his head. The Materrorist...terrorized something.

-Sergio's triple to right-field went about 580 feet. It was only half as high as Brian's pop-ups but, impressive nonetheless.

-The next batter, Mark, also had a looooooong extra-base hit when he doubled waaaay over Mike in left field, plating El Gato for what would be Don't Count The First's final run.

-Sergio "El Gato" went off, nearly hitting for the cycle (single, double and triple--in that order--in 4 trips to the plate). 

-This game featured alot of solid defense as Premature Hitulation only committed one (1!) fielding error. The teams combined for only five (5) errors which has to be among the fewest ever.-Kevin made a couple spectacular running grabs; his 2nd inning catch of The Materrorist's missile to deep left center resulted in several OHHHHHHHHHHH!!s and one "Goddamn bullshit."

-Chris C made an excellent play in the 9th. Jake smashed a line drive to right field and, though Chris didn't reach it, he prevented it from getting behind him, picked it up, fired to the 2nd baseman Paul who then gunned out Mike Abrams trying to go first-to-third on the play.

-Brian made 6 putouts in center-field. He even made a spiffy running grab of Kevin's line drive in the 9th. Did I say running? I meant swimming.

-After the game, a volleyball nearly decapitated Sarah on the sidewalk. Brian asked, "IS THAT A VOLLEYBALL TREE??" 

-In the 9-run 1st inning, every player on Premature Hitulation scored at least one run except Carlos; Wilson scored twice. Nine of the first eleven (never forget) batters came around to score. 

-Despite the long inning, the game was played in a spiffy 3 hours. 

-Don't Count The First's 6-9 hitters combined to go 9-for-16.

-Slider(!) took the collar, going 0-for-5 for the first time since the day before he learned how to play baseball. 

-Wendy's was awesome; fun times had by all. We even ran into Jose Lopez' older brother, Manny/Emilio. When asked why Jose was not playing baseball, he said that Jose was on a "Father's Day trip". Much like Jose's recurring injured quad, hip, calf, hammy, butt, shoulder, elbow, asthma, heel, toe, foot, wrist (just kidding, that's Alejandro) and "general body soreness", we doubt the veracity of this "trip".

-Okay, this trip did actually happen. There's pictures and stuff.